Finding love is a beautiful journey, which can produce life long adventure, happiness & be the home base for our deepest desires, comforts and raising happy and healthy children. With such high stakes we shouldn't shy away from building deep and meaningful connections. However we should carefully consider the gut feels we may get during those early stages of the relationship and not dismiss the signs of a narcissistic partner early on. Narcissistic traits can lead to unhealthy relationships, depression, loss of self & loss of your true potential, emotional turmoil, and long-term damage to your mental and physical health.
In this blog post, we'll explore five unmistakable signs of a narcissistic partner that you should never ignore.
1. Excessive Self-Centeredness: One of the defining traits of a narcissist is an excessive focus on themselves. Covert narcissists are wonderful at masking this trait but hear me out and you may recognize the signs. My ex fooled me for a long time by seeming to never want things for himself and masking his self centeredness. It came out as him always wanting to make speeches in group settings, always wanting his family to have less so he could look like he had more, always wanting to attain more even at the expense of his family. Narcissists also show up by often dominate conversations, telling you want you think, & turning every topic back to themselves. While it's natural for everyone to talk about themselves occasionally, a narcissistic partner consistently puts their needs and desires above yours.
2. Lack of Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Narcissists struggle with this. They may dismiss or belittle your emotions, leaving you feeling unheard and invalidated. When i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes my narcissist would compare my struggles with his friend's who had type 2 and tell me that I was making too much of it and exaggerating. It prolonged my suffering by being invalidated and having this feeling that I needed to prove that I was actually suffering and not making it up. When new technology came out that could help me manage my blood sugars my narc didn't want to spend the money and made me feel ashamed for even asking, even for life saving technology. Its mind bending to have an intimate partner treat you as though you don't matter and prefer to save a dollar rather than your life. A healthy relationship should involve mutual empathy and support and be a safe place for you both to share your deepest thoughts and fears without being belittled.
3. Manipulative Behavior: Narcissists often employ manipulative tactics to maintain control. They may use guilt, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to get their way. If you find yourself constantly second-guessing your feelings or actions due to your partner's manipulation, it's a red flag. If you start to see a pattern of lies as well, take stock of that, my ex narc would keep me hooked to him by plainly lying to me time and time again and future faking me when he felt his control over me was waining. He would tell me we would move to a new home, he would go to therapy, we would adopt more children, absolutely anything to get power and control back and when I would ask him about those things later he would laugh at me and tell me no, it was a sick game that he enjoyed throughly. He knew he never had any intention of fulfilling those deep desires of mine but merely used them to control and keep me as his. Gaslighting is also a big one, you may have heard the term before and it refers to a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse in which one person seeks to make another person doubt their perception, memories, and sanity. The term "gaslighting" is derived from the 1938 play "Gas Light" by British playwright Patrick Hamilton. The play was later adapted into a film in 1940 and then again in 1944.
In the story, a husband manipulates his wife into believing that she is losing her mind by secretly dimming the gaslights in their home and denying that he is doing so. He then accuses her of being forgetful and irrational when she notices the dimming.
The concept gained wider recognition and use outside of the theatrical context as the awareness of emotional manipulation and psychological abuse grew. It became a metaphor for any form of manipulation that causes someone to question their reality or doubt their own sanity.
In the mid-20th century, "gaslighting" began to be used more broadly to describe behaviors where one person attempts to control or manipulate another by sowing seeds of doubt, denial, and confusion. This manipulation can take various forms, including lying, denial of facts, trivializing concerns, and projecting one's own negative behaviors onto the victim.
In recent years, gaslighting has received increased attention in discussions about emotional abuse, particularly in the context of abusive relationships, workplace dynamics, and politics. Recognizing gaslighting behaviors and understanding their impact is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and emotional well-being. The gaslighting began subtly from the very beginning of our relationship, if I said wow the sky is a beautiful blueish purple and he would deny it telling me it was grey and I was colourblind, later it became more insidious and devastating by denying things he said or did and I always felt like I needed to record our conversations or video tape him to prove I was right, as the relationship continued it caused me to doubt my own reality and rethink whether he was right that he didn't say something or agree to something. He would constantly tell me that no one else had issues with him when I would bring up concerns or things he said. or did that hurt me, which denied my relaity and never resolved our issues, just buried them under his deflection.
4. Constant Need for Admiration: Narcissists have an insatiable need for admiration and validation. They seek constant attention, praise, and affirmation. While it's normal to appreciate compliments, a narcissistic partner's craving for admiration can become exhausting and one-sided. The last instance of this in our relationship was days before we split we attended his sister's wedding, we hadn't seen her in more than 9 years and we live within 40 minutes of each other and our marriage was in shambles, you could read it all over our bodies and faces yet he felt it was imperative for him to stand up and give a speech about marriage and give marital advice. He didn't care that neither I or his sister appreciated it but rather that he looked impressive in front of the hundreds of people at the wedding.
5. Lack of Accountability: A narcissistic partner rarely takes responsibility for their actions. They may deflect blame onto others, refuse to apologize, or minimize their mistakes. In a healthy relationship, accountability is essential for growth and trust. I use to say to myself "this guy one day woke up and decided he doesn't apologize anymore" it was astonishing that people are like that, he would literally step on my foot and say " your foot shouldn't have been there" He never took responsibility for any of his actions or the impact they had on anyone else, he would always find a way to side step it and blame everything on someone or something else.
6. Lack of Agreeableness and Word Salads: Narcissists often exhibit a notable lack of agreeableness as a key trait of their personality. Their resistance to compromise, inclination to dismiss others' opinions, and constant need for admiration underscore this trait. They prioritize their own needs, desires, and viewpoints over those of others, making it challenging for them to be cooperative or accommodating. This lack of agreeableness contributes to the arguments over little and seemingly insignificant things frequently found in relationships with narcissists. I remember at times wondering why we were butting heads over easily verified things like how much was spent on our groceries in a month and even when proof was provided it he still enjoyed continuing on with the disagreement, it kept me off balance and always feeling like I was wrong and had to prove myself to him even when I hadn't done anything wrong.
In addition to their lack of agreeableness, narcissists employ a manipulative tactic known as "word salad" to further confuse and confound their victims. Word salad involves using convoluted language, vague statements, and shifting narratives to create chaos and undermine their victim's understanding of reality. By spewing a tangled web of words and ideas, narcissists make it exceptionally challenging for their victims to engage in constructive dialogue or reach any form of agreement. This combination of a lack of agreeableness and the use of word salad contributes to the emotional turmoil experienced by those in relationships with narcissists, leaving them feeling bewildered and emotionally drained.
If you recognize any of the signs of a narcissism in your partner the first step toward preserving your well-being and seeking healthier relationships is to trust your observations and gut and not excuse it away. If you find yourself in a relationship marked by excessive self-centeredness, a lack of empathy, manipulative behavior, constant need for admiration, a lack of accountability, and high levels of conflict and confusion it's crucial to prioritize your emotional health and consider seeking professional help or support with someone who understands narcissism, not all professionals do, narcissists are high level manipulators who have learned this skill to survive so they are excellent at it and it takes someone who has lived through it before to understand those subtile nuances and help you break free.
By acknowledging these signs and taking action, you can build the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future with someone who is loving and compliments you well.